[ Nope, not misreading anything. Larsa can be pretty good at keeping on going and functioning as though everything is normal, but he's not yet had a chance to learn to guard his emotions over mental connections.
He'll get it. ]
I was merely confirming. And knives are very useful.
I would have answered it if there was a fixed hour?
You wrote I needed one now! I most certainly do not need more sleep than I have been getting. It is fine.
[ Whether he needs it or not may be up for debate.
Whether he wants it...
It should be so easy, to get extra sleep and forget that they're no longer around. That the second chance at life for Gabranth is gone. It should be. But it's not. ]
Bet you do. I mean, I'd get the suggested eight hours if I could but I physically can't. You slip up when you don't sleep. Pull the trigger too fast, too slow, don't have a steady hand.
Not just that. But it can be like that. Knock that block off your shoulder and enjoy being the age you are while you can -- and getting extra sleep. Not as easy once you get older.
[ She just thinks they're playfully arguing. If she knew, she still wouldn't smother him. She'd give him space, but pull him a little more near.
She knows what loss is like. ]
You okay? Starting to seem like you might have something else up that has to do with this and you're frustrated? Maybe. Guess there's just a lot going on with everyone lately and I can't say I'm the best at keeping up.
[ The response comes after a bit of delay. Not like hours, just... a delay.
But though he tries to get the words out, he can't bring himself to write them. The house is too empty. Instead, after a brief further dip in the mood, the sadness coming from him steadies. ]
There is no cause for concern. I hope that you can get as much sleep as you need to!
[ It's easier for her to send this in voice. She has subtle inflictions in her voice at times that don't translate to her word choice. She's not an open person, after all. ]
You're not convincing me. [ But there's a soft, compassionate hint to it. Warm, warmer than people might expect. ] If it's easier to not talk about it, I understand that.
[ Like a blanket on a cold day wrapped around your shoulders. She's here, even if she's not good at this. ]
But you can. It doesn't make you weak and there's nothing to be embarrassed about. If I'm wrong, that's also fine. I... just want you to know you can come to me and talk, alright?
[ Voice it is. There is a quick, very swiftly stifled noise, because, no, he doesn't think he can, not yet. But, when he speaks, his voice is steady enough, almost upbeat. ]
[ What for? almost slips out of him at that, and it's a very legitimate question. It is not like... he'll have time or reason to pursue those interests.
So? You can remember it now. I've done things I've needed -- wanted to do here that won't affect me back home. People have dated, gotten married, opened businesses... Why not take a chance?
[ She's not forceful. And honestly, her own words start to make her reconsider some things about herself, about being here. It's confusing in some ways.
She hates this feeling bullshit. She really does. ]
[ Larsa is quiet for a long time, though not severing the connection. There's no flood of emotions from him, just sort of... emptiness. Slightly sad.
Then. ]
I shall think about it.
[ He can't give more than that, not honestly, and yet he doesn't want to cut her off with what his own thoughts are telling him. He knows better than that. ]
...sorry if I've been a little pushy. I just think you should explore what you can while you can, you know? Promise I've only got your best interests in mind.
[ There's a pause on her end, her voice less quiet and strained now, a soft almost-laugh huff of air. ]
You know, I was just going to ask if you wanted to get ice cream or something. Funny how things can go their own way, right?
[ His best interests in mind. That just makes Larsa just shut down any emotion going through the connection for a moment. Then he comes back with soft and grateful. And tightly controlled. ]
If you have free time tomorrow, I can come find for ice cream?
No big deal. I understand how much pressure you must be under, so you don't have to grin and bear it for me. Deal?
[ She understands how people must say that to him all the time. The only difference is what Jill's trying to do might as well be the complete opposite of what anyone else ever has for him. Hopefully that says something. ]
[ There is a small hesitation, and then, very carefully, ] I think part of the problem at this time is that I do not have to do anything that I am aware of. It is... disorienting. But I will find a way to come to terms with it.
Like I said, no big deal, you know? All I do back home is work. Rarely a moment to spare, finish one mission and I'm off to the next before I get a good night's sleep so I... can understand that feeling. I threw myself into hunting.
[ She listens, of course, but she's trying to think of a way to explain how she feels and for that matter, relate. ]
Just gotta figure out what to do that'll either distract you or you can enjoy. We'll all go back eventually and I think that's what I needed to accept. I still get frustrated, but... gotta give it a go while you can. Might be the only opportunity we have. I've... I've already missed out on one of those here and I regret it.
[ The trouble is that Larsa did his best, with both Gabranth and Hope. Especially Gabranth. He tried to stay safe and do what Gabranth wanted him to, to make his - friend? Whatever the Judge was to him, smile and feel at ease and all right. And it doesn't help. Doesn't help in the least.
In his room, Larsa wipes at his eyes, though the connection remains steady. ]
All right. Of course. I will try.
[ It might take a few weeks before he gets there, though. ]
[ Maybe that's what he wanted the most. Not just that, but to have that person be alive. To spend time with them while he could. She understood that, she really did. ]
Hey, it's okay. You don't have to say what you think I want to hear, you know. Just take it easy, Larsa.
[ She suspects it will. Still, she's worried about him. ]
[ Sorry... eventually he'll realize he should have just said what the trouble was. But... he's been prepared since he was a toddler for so many eventualities, yet this is so outside any of them that he's lost. Lost enough to be able to see the light she is offering and unable to move towards it.
[ The visual comes in early afternoon along with the feeling of warmth -- of a body near another. That feeling when someone is only a step or two away. A flash, ghosting through someone's mind before it dissipates just as quickly as it comes. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mental text! 8PMish!
\o/
Jill?
It has ever been whenever I am done with what needs to be done, though not expected to be quite so early in a long time.
[ Key word: expected. He did have a penchant for sneaking out, after all. It's just not been so necessary, here. ]
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Valentine. You know, the gal who runs around in a baseball cap usually with a knife attached to her lower leg.
That's an awfully suspicious way to dodge my question.
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He'll get it. ]
I was merely confirming. And knives are very useful.
I would have answered it if there was a fixed hour?
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And that they are. Glad someone else sees my point of view!
Maybe you need one now. People need sleep, Larsa. Especially while growing.
[ She didn't do this to chide him, but it seems that's how it's going to be. ]
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It will not even be dark yet for another hour!
[ Jill, please. ]
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[ Larsa, please. Someone has to strong-arm him into being a real boy and it might as well be the one who would do it literally, right? ]
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[ Whether he needs it or not may be up for debate.
Whether he wants it...
It should be so easy, to get extra sleep and forget that they're no longer around. That the second chance at life for Gabranth is gone. It should be. But it's not. ]
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Not just that. But it can be like that. Knock that block off your shoulder and enjoy being the age you are while you can -- and getting extra sleep. Not as easy once you get older.
[ She just thinks they're playfully arguing. If she knew, she still wouldn't smother him. She'd give him space, but pull him a little more near.
She knows what loss is like. ]
You okay? Starting to seem like you might have something else up that has to do with this and you're frustrated? Maybe. Guess there's just a lot going on with everyone lately and I can't say I'm the best at keeping up.
[ But that's why she contacted him, after all. ]
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But though he tries to get the words out, he can't bring himself to write them. The house is too empty. Instead, after a brief further dip in the mood, the sadness coming from him steadies. ]
There is no cause for concern. I hope that you can get as much sleep as you need to!
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You're not convincing me. [ But there's a soft, compassionate hint to it. Warm, warmer than people might expect. ] If it's easier to not talk about it, I understand that.
[ Like a blanket on a cold day wrapped around your shoulders. She's here, even if she's not good at this. ]
But you can. It doesn't make you weak and there's nothing to be embarrassed about. If I'm wrong, that's also fine. I... just want you to know you can come to me and talk, alright?
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Thank you, Jill! I will remember that.
I may need to ... figure out what I have to say.
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Sometimes you still can't figure out the words. No matter what it is or how it affects you.
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Yes. Most times, that is what I have to do.
But... here and now. Nobody depends on my words.
[ Or his actions. Or his composure. Or him doing anything right. Or him doing anything at all. ]
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That's not a bad thing. You can do something just for yourself, explore your interests and wants and needs.
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But that is simply rude. ]
I... can, I suppose, yes.
[ Whether he will is still up for deciding. ]
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Take this as an opportunity you might not have ever had otherwise.
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[ He cuts himself off with a sharp breath. Then his voice is back to... low. And calm. ]
Indulging myself is not what is needed of me. And even if I do - I would not even remember it.
There is little point, considering both of these.
[ Why, no, Larsa is not used to doing things without reason. Probably never will be. ]
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[ She's not forceful. And honestly, her own words start to make her reconsider some things about herself, about being here. It's confusing in some ways.
She hates this feeling bullshit. She really does. ]
Sometimes things don't have a point, you know.
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Then. ]
I shall think about it.
[ He can't give more than that, not honestly, and yet he doesn't want to cut her off with what his own thoughts are telling him. He knows better than that. ]
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[ There's a pause on her end, her voice less quiet and strained now, a soft almost-laugh huff of air. ]
You know, I was just going to ask if you wanted to get ice cream or something. Funny how things can go their own way, right?
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[ His best interests in mind. That just makes Larsa just shut down any emotion going through the connection for a moment. Then he comes back with soft and grateful. And tightly controlled. ]
If you have free time tomorrow, I can come find for ice cream?
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[ She understands how people must say that to him all the time. The only difference is what Jill's trying to do might as well be the complete opposite of what anyone else ever has for him. Hopefully that says something. ]
Oh, I've got plenty of time for you.
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[ There is a small hesitation, and then, very carefully, ] I think part of the problem at this time is that I do not have to do anything that I am aware of. It is... disorienting. But I will find a way to come to terms with it.
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[ She listens, of course, but she's trying to think of a way to explain how she feels and for that matter, relate. ]
Just gotta figure out what to do that'll either distract you or you can enjoy. We'll all go back eventually and I think that's what I needed to accept. I still get frustrated, but... gotta give it a go while you can. Might be the only opportunity we have. I've... I've already missed out on one of those here and I regret it.
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In his room, Larsa wipes at his eyes, though the connection remains steady. ]
All right. Of course. I will try.
[ It might take a few weeks before he gets there, though. ]
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Hey, it's okay. You don't have to say what you think I want to hear, you know. Just take it easy, Larsa.
[ She suspects it will. Still, she's worried about him. ]
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I will see you tomorrow?
[ Sorry... eventually he'll realize he should have just said what the trouble was. But... he's been prepared since he was a toddler for so many eventualities, yet this is so outside any of them that he's lost. Lost enough to be able to see the light she is offering and unable to move towards it.
It'll pass. ]
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[ He really deserves to act like a thirteen year old, she figures. And if he wants to talk to her, she'll listen. ]
forward-dated to event.